I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
