LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
