Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
