When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
