I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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