3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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