Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
