thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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