If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
