Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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