I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I had to cum in my sink.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
