I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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