drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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