you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
