i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
