That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
