I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
