It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
