Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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