New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
