i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she told me i tasted like america
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
