just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
