end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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