Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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