remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
