we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
