I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
