saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I have fence marks all over my body
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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