Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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