I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
