Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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