He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
