Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
