I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
