I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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