Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
