Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
