life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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