Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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