I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
