Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
