I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
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