I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
