i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Randomize
