i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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