I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
