I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
