you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
