You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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