i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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