When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
