I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
