She is in my trunk
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
